The One about absolutely nothing
by piddimizer21
Summary: This is my second fanfic. Find out about absolutely nothing as the game really doesn't do anything important at all. Please RR. Contains mild language.
1. I

The One about absolutely nothing

Open: The gang is all sitting in Central Perk being served coffee by Gunther. He hands out the food and the coffee to the group and just before he gets to Rachael he quickly turns around and blows on her coffee. Kind of like a "oh its too hot hunny, let me blow on it to cool it down for you" moment. Nobody notices this of course as he finishes and hands it to her. He walks off quietly and in the background we see him staring at her waiting for her to thank him.

Rachael: (taking sip) Ouch! Hot.

Ross: Oh here let me see that. (blows on cup)

Rachael: Thanks Ross, that was so sweet of you.

Gunther: (in background loudly) BASTARD!

Cut to: The gang all turning around to look at him. He notices this and embarrassingly turns to another girl and starts to speak.

Gunther: You gave him free coffee! How dare you. (looks at group) Heh, walked out with out paying.

Monica: So you called him a bastard?

Joey: Hey, why not, if someone was trying to eat my food and get away without paying it I would say the same thing.

Chandler: No, you just lock the door and say "Pay up Bitch!"

Joey: Same difference.

Title sequence

Open on Joey's apartment. He is sitting in his chair playing a game on his PlayStation with Hugsy his bedtime penguin pal sitting on his lap. He is laughing and having a good time until we see that he loses the racing game he is playing.

Joey: Damnit! Stupid little bird! He cut me off and made me race off the cliff! I hate birds! (looks down to hugsy) Oh but not you my little penguin pal. (gives Hugsy a hug)

Rachael: (walks out of room) Hey Joey, did you talk to Ross about that thing tomorrow night?

Joey: Uhh….what thing?

Rachael: You know, the thing with me taking Emma to my parents for the weekend.

Joey: Oh, yeah…..I did….not.

Rachael: Ugh Joey! I told you to tell him.

Joey: C'mon, it's not like he is going to care.

Rachael: You know he doesn't like it when I leave her with them for the weekend.

Joey: Hey, I'm only one man, I can't fix the universe like Superman did.

Rachael: What is that supposed to mean?

Joey: It means that I can't fly around the earth with super speed to reverse time.

Rachael: But what does that have to do with the current situation.

Joey: Nothing.

Rachael: Nothing?

Joey: Right, absolutely nothing.

Rachael: But Joe, I need you to talk to him for me. I have to go to work and he isn't working today and I need you to let him know for me and make sure to calm him down and…..

Joey: (cutting her off) Alright already! Sheesh, first its flying around the universe to reverse time and save Lois Lane and now it's telling Ross that Superman needs him to take his daughter to Rachael's parents for the weekend. I'm only one man. This is why Superman works alone!

Rachael: It's a good thing you're so cute and can make a mean pot of spaghetti or else I would kick you so hard, even Jimmy Olsen would feel it in his fake little world.

Joey: Now I am Jimmy Olsen! Man, he never gets the girls.

Cut to: Monica's apartment and Phoebe, Chandler, Ross and Monica are playing a rousing game of Monopoly. Chandler is just about to roll the dice when Joey comes walking in.

Joey: Whatcha doin?

Pheobe: Trying to beat the dynasty that is known as the Geller-Trumps at Monoply.

Chandler: Yes and it gets really creepy playing after a while too.

Monica: You only say that cause you always end up in Jail after your first time around the board.

Ross: Plus…it doesn't help when you're cheap either.

Chandler: Hmm…cheap…and who was the one that paid for our wedding?

Monica: Umm…Ross…he may look cheap, but when you can foot the bill for your wedding next time, assuming there ever is a next time, then you will realize that he isn't cheap.

Chandler: Aww thanks Mon.

Monica: Shut up convict!

Pheobe: Will you hurry up and just roll the dice Chandler. I want to be able to have my little doggy mimic peeing on you as I pass you in the jail.

Chandler rolls the dice and sure enough he lands on the Go To Jail space. He doesn't say anything and just puts token on the jail space. Pheobe takes the dice and just like she said, rolls and moves pass Chandler but not before she stops her piece to fake pee on his Top Hat. The dice go to Monica and she gets ready to roll.

Joey: Hey is it too late for me to join in?

Monica: Ok, Donald, here we go.

Ross: Right, Ivana. Roll some doubles and get us Boardwalk.

Joey: Scratch that idea.

Chandler: Why?

Joey: It's a little too weird for me when Monica and Ross start calling each other Donald and Ivana.

Ross: And its not weird that you like to teach your stuffed penguin how to play video games?

Joey: Hey, if I don't teach him, no one will!

Joey storms out of the door and the gang continues to play as we cut to a commercial break.


	2. II

Open on Joey sitting in the chair holding Emma to his side. He is playing his video game again, this time teaching her about the game. She is just staring blankly at the screen and then occasionally looks at Joey and then back at the screen.

Joey: And this is to take people out of the game so you can win.

We see the screen as his little racer shoots an item at another character in front of him as they fly off the screen. Emma laughs a little bit.

Joey: Yeah and that is what we do to that stupid bird. You know why? No? Well because that bird causes me problems all the time.

This time on the screen we see his racer get taken out and the same bird races past him. Emma laughs as the bird makes a cute noise and then races off.

Joey: NO NO NO! Emma, we hate that bird. That bird is a menace to society and to all his bird kind. Except for Hugsy. Even though it is a penguin and so is Hugsy. But don't ever say that in front of him. He gave me a mean look earlier.

Ross comes walking in to the apartment and opens the fridge.

Ross: Hey do you still have some of the beer I brought over last night.

Joey: You mean that sweet stuff?

Ross: Yeah, I could really use a beer after that game.

Joey: Ross, how many times do I have to tell you that it isn't real beer. It's cheerleader beer.

Ross: I know, but I still like the stuff.

Joey: So is the game over?

Ross: No, Ivana…I mean Monica put a damper on me and then all of a sudden, Chandler just took over the game and completely wiped me and Pheobe out of the game.

Joey: How, he's cheap.

Ross: I don't know, but he just made a killing.

Pheobe enters and grabs the "cheerleader beer" from Ross and starts to drink it.

Ross: Hey!

Pheobe: Oh lighten up Donald, there's plenty more where that came from.

Joey: Yeah a whole 9 more. I ain't touchin' them.

Pheobe: Oh look at that little bird in the cart. That is so cute. Oh look at that, you just took him out. NO! YOU MURDERER!

Joey: He deserves it.

Ross: Oh by the way, I really appreciate you teaching my daughter about video games and violence.

Joey: Oh and teaching her how dinosaurs eat each other and there own kind isn't violent.

Ross: They didn't eat there own kind and when they did it was only because they could tell that there was a defect in the genes. It's a scientifical…

Joey: BLAH BLAH BLAH! NO SMART TALK!

Emma starts to cry a little bit and Ross comes over and picks her up and gives Joey a nasty look.

Joey: Now look at what you did. Not only did you make her cry, but you made me lose to that stupid bird!

Pheobe: Serves you right. GO LITTLE BIRDY, GO!

Cut to: Monica and Chandler still playing Monopoly. Chandler as we can tell is in dire need of help. Almost all of the property's on the board are owned by Monica. He has only a few spaces left on the board that are his and not enough to keep him from going out.

Monica: You ready to lose all of your money buster?

Chandler: Didn't we play this game already with the wedding?

Monica: Yes and if you keep it, you will lose even more in the divorce.

Chandler: Hey did you talk to Ross for Rachael yet?

Monica: (rolling dice) no, I thought you were going to?

Chandler: No, she didn't ask me, she asked you, remember?

Monica: How can I remember when I'm about to kick your butt.

Rachael comes walking in the door. She is on her lunch break. She is walking extremely slow and is angry about something.

Rachael: Oh I hate my job

Nobody answers her and she walks a little closer to the two of them.

Rachael: Oh…I hate my job.

Nothing happens again as she walks over and sits down on the chair and begins to sigh and say it again.

Rachael: I said…I hate my…

Monica and Chandler: We know. You hate your job.

Rachael: Well, I was only saying.

Chandler: How many times a day do you tell us you hate your job when you come home for lunch.

Rachael: Not all the time.

Monica: Everyday. Ha, Community Chest. Get ready to pay up buster.

Rachael: It's just that, well, I just hate it.

Chandler: I hate my job and you don't see me complaining.

Rachael: Cause you don't do anything.

Chandler: Still, I hate it.

Monica grabs her card and begins to read it. Her face goes from joy to anger and sadness as she begins to read aloud.

Monica: Pay for Repairs. 50 dollars per house and 100 per hotel.

Chandler: Oh ho! Looks like the tables have turned. Want me to wait while you count your money?

Monica: Its ok, I can do this! I will have enough! Please tell me I have enough!

Rachael: Chandler, did you guys talk to Ross yet?

Chandler: No, I thought you wanted Monica to do it.

Rachael: No, I asked you guys to do it after Joey didn't.

Monica: That's your problem right there. If you ask Joey to do something it better involve sandwiches and hot women in the deal or else you wont get anything out of him. 200, 300….

Rachael: Please will you talk to him about it?

Chandler: Why don't you just tell him that she want's to watch her grandchild. Judy is always happy to watch Emma anyway.

Rachael: That's because she is halfway tipsy when she offers.

Monica: Not all the time. Wait, when isn't my mother on the sauce.

Chandler: Not answering that one, fear of divorce still looming over head.

Monica: Smart move.

Rachael: I don't get mad at that because she has been around them more. Ross doesn't really trust my mother and she doesn't really like Ross that much.

Chandler: Just ask him yourself. He shouldn't get mad. If he does, just do it anyway.

Rachael: Yeah I guess I could. Does Joey still have Die Hard?

Chandler: Are you kidding me? He probably hasn't turned it back in for at least a month or two.

Rachael: Ok perfect. You three go and watch Die Hard when the game is over and I will tell him while you are watching it and he won't care.

Monica: Umm, Chandler?

Chandler: Yes?

Monica: Can I take a loan from the bank?

Chandler: Oh whats the matter Ivana, Donald not here to help you out?

Monica: Yeah….

Chandler: How much do you need?

Monica: about 10.

Chandler: 10? That's it?

Monica: 10,000.

Chandler: Sorry, Ivana. But the Trumpster closed his account about 20 minutes ago.

Rachael: Now you're calling them that? No wonder Joey doesn't like playing with them. Seriously, you two weird me out sometimes.

Rachael leaves the room as Monica calls back to her.

Monica: At least I didn't sleep with my brother and get pregnant before my wedding.

Chandler: You did not just say that.


	3. III

Open on Monica's apartment. Monica and Pheobe are putting away the game and the boys are watching Die Hard. They are hooting and hollering like they always do when they watch the movie. Ross is still drinking his cheerleader beer and Chandler is drinking one too. Joey is sitting with a six pack at his feet and a pizza on his lap. Monica is still angry after losing to Chandler and Pheobe is playing with the little pieces.

Pheobe: (playing with puppy) Well hewwo there Mr. Thimble. Do you need a shower today? Oh I do, I do! Just a second Race Car, I will get to you next.

Monica snatches them up and places them back in the box and Pheobe is appalled at the motion but just shrugs it off.

Pheobe: Looks like someone's a little mad that they lost at there favorite game.

MonIca: Pheobe, do you like your hands?

Pheobe: Oh yes, very much so.

Monica: Then I would suggest that you keep quiet.

Pheobe: Yikes. Chandler you didn't tell me what a mean person she is when its that time of the month.

Chandler: I'm not listening. Die Hard.

Joey: Is she really that way?

Chandler: Yes, but for fear of divorce looming, I am keeping all comments about Monica to I love you.

Ross: Good Idea.

Rachael comes walking in pushing Emma in the stroller and stops just at the table. She looks over that the TV and then at the guys watching Die Hard and then she turns to the girls.

Rachael: (whispering) Ok, I'm gonna do it now. It's gonna be really fast so be ready.

Pheobe: Be ready for what?

Rachael: Nothing.

Pheobe: Absolutely nothing?

Rachael: Right. Wait, how did you know I was going to say that?

Pheobe: Because absolutely nothing is the response that you give someone when you are sure there is absolutely nothing that is going to happen.

Rachael: But you don't know that "nothing" is going to happen.

Pheobe: You're right I don't. But saying absolutely nothing will happen and then watching _something_ happen is what makes it that much more fun. Joey taught me that.

Monica: How could I lose? My husband is cheap.

Chandler: I love you too honey.

Monica: Do I have to spell it for you!

Chandler: But I just said I love you?

Monica: D..I..V..

Chandler: Die Hard! WOOP WOOP WOOP!

Rachael: Ok well I'm leaving. Ross I am taking Emma to my mom's for the weekend. Be back shortly.

Rachael starts to hurry out the door but Ross jumps up almost like clockwork when he hears this. It broke his train of thought from Die Hard and leaps over the back of the couch, catching his foot on the couch and the other on Chandler's shoulder and falling down and shattering the bottle on the floor and getting up like nothing happened.

Monica: My floor!

Chandler: My shoulder!

Ross: My Beer!

Pheobe: See Rach. Absolutely nothing didn't happen.

Ross: You're taking Emma to your mothers? Why didn't you tell me about this?

Rachael: Because I didn't think you would mind. She hasn't seen her in a while and I think it would be good for her to see her.

Ross: But you know you're mother is going to fill her head full of dirty, rotten, evil things about me.

Rachael: No, that's my father.

Ross: But you could have asked me before all of this. If you would have asked me I wouldn't have been caught off guard just now and broke my beer.

Joey: FOR THE LAST TIME IT"S NOT A BEER!

Chandler: I LOVE MY WIFE! DIE HARD! WOOP WOOP WOOP!

Monica: I LOST MY GAME!

Emma starts to cry because of all the yelling. Everyone starts to quiet down a little bit and Ross looks at Rachael as she picks up Emma.

Ross: Rachael, look. If you want to take Emma to your mother's for the weekend, that is fine, but you should at least let me know a head of time. Don't be afraid. I won't stand in the way if she wants to see her granddaughter.

Rachael: It's just that every time I mention it you get upset about it. I don't want my mother to not be able to have a relationship with her grandchild. Just like you don't want Ben or Emma to not be able to see your mother.

Ross: But my mother isn't like your mom.

Monica: Your right she's not. She's on the sauce all the time.

Rachael: And that isn't good for Emma either.

Ross: I know. Look I agree to it, but next time please just let me know ahead of time, that way none of this happens again.

Pheobe has no went and sat down next to Joey and Chandler and is watching the movie with them. Joey looks over to her and offers a piece of pizza and a beer. She gladly accepts.

Chandler: Good old Die Hard.

Joey: (to Pheobe quietly) So what exactly were they arguing about?

Pheobe: Nothing.

Joey: Absolutely Nothing?

Pheobe: Absolutely nothing.

Joey: Right.

Chandler: Who are you people?

End to credits.


End file.
